ok

I am a sad junkie.
Sitting here at the cafe - telling myself I'm being productive.  Occasionally, sighing heavily - feeling the urge to cry. Staring off into the space, letting my eyes drink in the shapes, the colors the swashes of light. Letting my ears gently take in the music, the murmur of conversation and other ambient noise. Or just drifting off - feeling morose or exhausted - yearning for something, somebody to come along and disrupt the doldrum. I thought briefly that I was lonely, lonely for something - wanting for some human connection. And imagined that someone ought to notice me - someone ought to know I'm sitting here waiting - but I realized that me sitting here
silently contemplating
insanity
hopelessness
that me sitting here quietly fantasizing
is not an impetus for action to happen. It will not bring anyone or anything
and it's not as if I have gone unnoticed
and in reality, I don't want just anyone or anything to come along, cause I've brushed
off conversation at least once since I've been sitting here
and so just sitting here
being with myself
with my thoughts
my feelings
is really ok
whether or not I want to cry - or sing along to the music - or
just let
the sights
and sounds
and sensations
wash over me.
it's all ok
it's all ok.