I am anxious about this job, I must remember who I am and that this is an opportunity to become more free. I ahve been dreaming resentments of people- dreaming resentments of neil of christina of my brothers and sisters. i have been wondering if i will get stuck here in indianapolis. wondering if i could entertain the notion of staying here- i've grown attached to the wee nephew, Draken, & wonder how i'll feel about going away; taking Andrees away. Draken's brothers are about to leave and his mama was talking about how it's going to be sad for him- when they are suddenly not here every day & i thought how it might be for him when i leave, him coming upon a mess of blankets and pillows and his parents must let him search amongst them to insure that i am not there, aslumber. Not that I am here everyday, but still he may pick up his toy phone and try to call me, stand at his gate and call my name in his urgent little tone.
At least hopefully before i leave his brothers will be back- but then waht of Sapo getting used to his cousins and getting ot know Draken and the brothers, Mozes and Levi.
But all of that is some time away and i hope that i can stand it, working for the dept of health processing birth and death certificates, hope the proximity to the circle makes the job more bearable. hope that i can stand staying here for perhaps a year.
I have been deciding that I am not a loser- not a failure- i just did not do so good with motherhood and especially single mother hood. I and Andrees have not been on vacation, though I may have not always made all the best choices. We have been struggling and i have done the very best i possibly knew how at the time, and i will continue to learn how to do better.